Looking for a SALSA dance instructor (to do.....???)

• Location: Cypress hills-Brooklyn
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
• Compensation: no pay

Follow Funny Craigslist Ads on Twitter

-------
Matt sees a blank page on Craigslist?!: So are you looking for a salsa dance instructor to teach your or someone you know how to dance for free? I may not be Miss Cleo or a Magic 8 ball but I do not see this happening in your future. Also, you're a libra darling, aren't ya?

pick up mattress in NYC , bring to West part of Nassau County (Chelsea (NYC) --> Freeport (L.I.)) (Let's go to the mattresses!)

This is for matress delivery. You would have the option of dong it either Friday night or Saturday daytime.
Deliver mattress/boxspring to Freeport, L.I. It's in Chelsea (Manhattan)now.

approx 30 mi.

You would have to:

Be affordable 

wrap the mattress in new&clean plastic wrap or plastic sheeting [ I don't want truck dirt on my mattress. I sleep on that in my skivvies you know. ]

Tell me your price. So you know the size, the mattress is not that big. Its only a "full". You will need room for the box spring too.

Price you state has to be all inclusive (i.e. don't ask me extra for the Throgs neck bridge toll.)
Include your phone number so I can reach you. Thank you. 

Follow Funny Craigslist Ads on Twitter

--------------
Matt thinks this is tolling: If you have a moving truck/moving company then this isn't too tough but for someone to try to put this together - might be tough. Not sure what affordable includes and I have no clue where the starting point would be from where the truck heads to chelsea to get the mattress for starters. "don't ask me extra for the Throgs neck bridge toll" I think they mean ask for it after a price is agreed on because you want the mattress - there has to be a profit to make it worthwhile for someone to do it for you. So let's say $100-$200 just for the labor, then price of using the truck, all gas and tolls would be in there.. I could see this costing about $300 or so - Am I way too high here (money wise that is)? Maybe it's just me but nowadays people want to make at least $100 for doing these types of jobs min. as just a starting point...or even more. Now if you had a couple of say I don't know...buddies that you can buy dinner and go with them to get it.....ya know what I'm talkin' about -- oh yea, 1 more thing - you sleep in your SKIVVIES, do ya? Do you have a parrot and eye patch as well Cap'n? :)

$100 Cash Exterminator Needed 8am Friday Morning (Okay sounds normal...so far..)

Hi Trades People,
I have a single family home that is currently rented. There may be a few roaches and she saw a mouse I need a "LICENSED ONLY" exterminator to do quick exterminating job on the house on Friday morning 8am has to be 8am! The house is two levels with a basement. I repeat I do not have an infestation of any sort. I don't want to buy contracts or anything else just a normal exterminating service shouldn't take more than an hour. House is located South Chicago near 83rd and Stony Island minutes from the Dan Ryan. Will need written guarantee and references would help.

Thank You and Happy Holidays,
Bill

• Compensation: 100 Cash No Questions Asked After Services Rendered

--------------

Matt wonders: Why does this seem so shady you may ask? Well for starters "100 Cash No Questions Asked After Services Rendered" but yet Bill you want a written guarantee, references AND of course a Licensed guy but you put it quotes... was that just to make it seem important or was that shady too? I wonder what's hidden in this house? Illegal apartments/divisions, poor living conditions (enough to be vermin....yuck)... hmm one does wonder. Mice and Roaches together sounds like a posse to me? Good Luck with Mickey & friends.

Follow Funny Craigslist Ads on Twitter

Birthday fun (170) (Happy Birthday to me, I paid for striptease..)

Would like to have fun. It's my birthday and I would like to have fun. I am looking for some lady's that want to have fun and make money. Would like you to talk dances and more. Send a pic and hit me up asap.

------
Hey lady's and ladies out there: I know you are all hoping to make $170 for dances and more because this is realistic! I wonder what happens at these "birthday parties" and who goes home happy (and who just gets to go home..) Hey it is Craigslist! Any chance this is entrapment?
Follow Funny Craigslist Ads on Twitter

Strangers in the night - m4w - 26 (Or how bout just a strange night ahead?)

The 'miscellaneous romance' section is for things 'indeterministic.' This is a good descriptor of my mood. I am not interested in casual sex. I am not interested in a relationship. I am a gentle man with a poet's soul who wants to hold a fellow wistful dreamer in total, sensuous darkness. And to be held. To create a nocturnal world we can slip into like bedsheets, or like a dream, that does not intrude, not ever, into our daily lives.

I am good-looking and I hope that you will be too. Yet I don't want to see your face and I don't want you to see mine. We can describe ourselves in text so that we know who we are climbing into bed with, but this gentle eroticism is to be as much about the imagination as possible. This is the point. The total suspension of mundane reality. The joy of discovering you in a dark room without light or sight:

by touch
(palm-strokes on temples and on thighs)
by smell
(freshly washed hair and the body's scent)
by sound
(whispered words in each other's ears and the muted squeaking of the bed beneath our weight)

alone.

I've done this once and it is otherworldly. Most often people do not respond. Yet if this piques your interest even a little, I hope that you shall. Granted it does sound strange and perverse. I can promise that I am not. The darkness is not meant to disguise any creepiness. If anything, it is to hide timidity. If you are the right one, then I promise you: we shall tremble when first we touch.

Please do not spam or delete. In your subject line you might write: "yesterday over the westside the moon was visible high in the afternoon sky."

-------

Ahh to be 26 again (I'm so much older and wiser @32 heh): Wow so that all sounds good in theory - somehow an attractive woman will just show up at your place, perhaps open an unlocked door and slip out of everything to slip into bed with you in total darkness. You will describe each other only via text. Even if this was something amazing to do with someone - hard for a woman or anyone for that matter to just take a leap of faith to do something like this. It's a good way to end up on the six o'clock news, that's for sure. Also the poetic and rhyming subject line to respond with gives off an eery sound to it... Michael C Hall did get divorced but he only plays Dexter on tv so let us rule him out.
Follow Funny Craigslist Ads on Twitter

short, sweet, and simple..the ad isnt that long either! ha - 18 (A gal that knows who she is and what she wants..)

hey! you found my ad. i feel like my amazing smile, outgoing personality,kind and compassionate nature are all going to waste. i need a good guy to share it with (thats deserving of course).so lets see what the internet can do for me ! here is the short and sweet version of the me's and you's. hope to hear from you soon and thanks for your reply :]

me:
18
thick/chubby
shorter side of things (5'5)
black and choctaw native american mixed
pretty :]
i have all my teeth! lol jk ...............no, but seriously, they are all there :]
(funny)
intelligent
witty
amusing
blessed with the gift of gab
and so muc more! haha



you:
younger than 27
respectful
sweet
romantic
paitent
taller side of things (over 5'8)
husky/cuddly/football build
inteligent
goal oriented
independent

----------
Hey thick/chubby/teethful gabber! Great to see you on the internet and your typos aside - glad that you are looking for a football player type guy who is on craigslist looking for a gal and also happens to be sweet, romantic, respectful, independent and goal oriented! You are right about one thing for sure - you are (funny) or what I like to type as "funny". Best of luck with your search - have you tried plentyoffreaks yet?
Follow Funny Craigslist Ads on Twitter

Re-Holiday Companion CREEPY WEIRDO (Wow Craigslist is just like a movie cept it's real life)

[I believe this is a response to this Craigslist Ad - for reference]

ALL THIS GUY WANTS IS SEX,,,,,THIS IS NOT A COMPANION AD HE IS SOLICITING FOR SEX OR AS HE CALLS IT ,,,,",MAYBE A MASSAGE WOULD BE NICE" WEIRDO,,,,,,I GUESS IF YOUR A PROSTITUTE GO AHEAD AND RESPOND. THIS IS LIKE HIS 4TH AD.

----------
Way to Call the Old Man Out: Capital letters means YOU ARE ANGRY right? The guy just wants to talk (probably without any clothes on, true). I wonder if talking as opposed to doing is tougher on a prostitute like it's more work or harder work (although pun intended - the other form is.. but they are used to it).

P.S.: Thank you for counting or guesstimating how many ads older fellow has posted in regards to looking for a "holiday sitter". By the way Ben Stiller is coming out with a new film called "Little Fockers" but it's really just "Meet the Parents" for the 3rd time give or take a new Deniro look and gross out gag. Don't lose your finger over it! Happy Holidays!

Follow Funny Craigslist Ads on Twitter

Seeking a Reliable Massage Therapist (and maybe a real therapist too..)

I'm seeking both a regular and reliable massage therapist. I would prefer an Asian therapist, but I'm really open. Furthermore, I would prefer to come to you, but I'm also open with this as well. Thanks

----------
No Thank You!: I know you probably only want 1 therapist but sounds like you want a regular therapist and a reliable massage therapist. Do you want to talk your problems over a back rub? Maybe you want someone asian because you might be asian but in this economy and marketplace, it's nice to know you can be open - really open! Tension gone!

Follow Funny Craigslist Ads on Twitter

NEED HOT FEMALE BARTENDER NO EXP. NEEDED (Mixology 101 baby)

We are looking for a hot sexy female bartender to work night shifts must be hot good with people great pay no exp. needed send pic and contact #

----------
Matt might want a Manhattan: Scenario here where the bar gets a little busy or customers want drinks and you while hot and being drooled at can open bottles of beer.. what happens when you have to make rob roys, vodka gimlets, mojitos, margaritas, incredible hulks, long island iced teas, etc.? I hope you have a barback that knows how to make drinks and I'm not sure other women will care how hot you are if you don't get them their drink whether that's making you try to open a bottle of chardonnay, an appletini or perhaps a black & tan!

P.S. - I do not drink manhattans but I go there a lot (yes to all of them - I think there's a manhattan, kansas y'all)

Holiday Sitter (E SGV) (A Winter Woodenland?)

Male 66,, seek Female for companionship for about3 months.
2days a week @ 2hrs hours per day @ 150.00 per wk

Must be dependable and have reliable car
BE OVER 35, race ,size and looks doesn't matter just be real. Must be flexible
Also MUST be open minded not looking for sex.
If interested please send contact # will not return emails

--------------
Dear Male Aged 66: You want "companionship" for 2 days a week for 2 hours? What kind of "friendship" is that..or "companionship"? When the phrases open minded and not looking for sex are combined that usually means looking for sex but what do I know. Also if you can't return emails at age 66, maybe 2 hours isn't long enough even with viagara? Interesting you chose over 35 so 36 and up or does that include age 35 because 3 decades is a solid time frame. In fact I'm in my early 30s and just get lost thinking about those babies being my age one day and me being... well yea, no no I definitely do not! Good Luck sir (also there's a difference between a babysitter, a nurse and a companion ya know)

New Years Plans (No peeing in a bottle in Times Square in the cold this year huh)

2011 is slowly inching closer, and I have NO plans for New Years Eve. Pitiful, I know. But I would love to go out and party it up, or stay in and have a small gathering....just as long as I am quie tipsy then I am fine. Im a SBF with no kids, my small circle of friends will all be out of town for New Years. So here I am, hoping someone has some cool New Years plans I can join. Take a chance.....make a friend!! :-)

----
Hi SBF: New Years Eve can be very tough but don't admit to being pitiful on the internet - nobody wants to be friends with those that are self-admittingly pitiful. So is this a date or a friend or both because the whole no kids comment confused me or am I reading into things too much? Happy 2011 and I hope you get to be quite tipsy amongst your new friend or friends! Bottoms up

need to move to ft lauderdale (boston to ft lauderdale) - Ah going south for the winter (or for good)

I am planning a move to florida. Are you going that way? I have a small one bedroom that would not fill a box truck. I am willing to split a truck with someone else going or hire some one who is on there way.

-----
Matt wants to know: Sure it's a crap shoot but what are the chances you're catching someone on their way to good old ft lauderdale. Also I know what you meant but if they're already on their way, you're out of luck because they are not coming back for you. Sounds like your planning needs to go back to the drawing board but I hope you get down there and visit Del Boca Vista to say hi to Frank Costanza for me, thank you and Bon Voyage!

straight girl for butch/stud friends (oh you want to play poker?)

I'm wayyy too feminine, I hate myself, just being honest. I need someone to teach me how to be masculine.

---
Matttt responds: So you want to learn how to be more like a guy in order to feel better about yourself or to court feminine women? Don't hate yourself though, life's too short for that!

Here to locate a great guy for a great time. - m4m

with my busy work schedule, it's really difficult to find a male who is serious about love. I grew in South Africa so I am very interested in nature and animals. I love participating in local roller derbies and I love classical/punk rock music. I was bulimic as a child, but rest assured I have gained plenty of weight! I am definitely a people person and I get along easily with others!

----
Matt shrinks it out: You want a great time or love (or are they the same thing...)? All those who grew up in South Africa must love nature and animals and lions and tigers and bears? Not sure which is more appealing - your bulimia or your weight gain. I will have to get back to you on that - nice to see a people person out there....very sweet

Calendar Girl (I love my calendar girl or baby it's cold outside?)

Female model needed for private calendar shoot. Looking specifiaclly for an experienced model willing to pose nude

6 hour of shooting pays $300 cash

-----

Matt shivers: This job was for Massachusetts so I hope it's an indoor shoot. $50 an hour for 6 hours of posing nude off a craigslist ad seems perfectly reasonable. Isn't that what all models want? To pose nude for some random calendar and for $300 have it out there forever and ever and all over the internet? I have to wonder if this kind of ad actually gets responses and if it is more than just some guy with his own personal camera.

Talent Agent Needed (Hey we'll do lunch. I hear you're good at those)

I am looking for a reputable talent agent who will help me get paid television, film, commercial, modeling, voice over, theater, etc. jobs in and outside of the Boston, Massachusetts area. Please send your resume and detailed information to the email above. If I like what I see, we will discuss and then do business. Thank you for your time.

-----
Matt's advice: Love that you're being proactive but rule of thumb, they choose you (unless of course you're already say Matt Damon or Ben Affleck - in which case why are you posting on CL). Glad I could help and clear that up. How do you like them apples?

Small moving job (Not too small if you need to hire people..ay gov'nor?)

Looking for 2 people tomorrow (12/16) to help move bags/boxes, etc... from attic to first floor of home. Approx. 1 hr work.

Compensation: $30 for job ($15 per person)
----

Matt understands: Okay so perhaps you are a physically small person, an older person and/or you have other physical issues (or maybe you are too busy). You want not just 1 but 2 random people to come to your home to move a bunch of stuff up & down flights of stairs for $15 each? Again it makes me wonder why people wouldn't ask neighbors and/or their kids for some help. Why is someone looking for work on craigslist going to bring their buddy to make $30 total to go up and down stairs carrying who knows what? What I find funniest is the ability to be able to guess the amount of time it would take and I'd love to hear how the price is determined.
Sure people need money and others have fixed incomes but there's a chance you live in a house which means you can afford a house in a major city. 1 hour, 20 minutes or 3 hours - I'd say at least offer $100 - $50 each?
I still think that might be low but it's respectable. But what do I know as I have never timed or priced moving objects - I do know movers and moving companies are not cheap. It really irks me that people go on Craigslist to hire others and think that means they can be cheap about it like those people looking for work must be worthless and desperate?! HEY YOU!

pats fan? (vs Jet fan vs x factor of a job)

hey, lookin for a pats fan to help a jets fan make good on a humilating bet. shoot me an email if u might be interested

-----------
Matt likes the Giants: Pats are dominating right now while the Jets have been plain bad, but I digress because this to me sounds shady. Under compensation it says "yea" - Needing someone's help like a new england patriots face paint specialist or are we talking muscle/intimidator or maybe just a wild card? Well now we know yet another reason why they play the games.

I am making a menu for some new restaurant (The Menu is made from people..it's PEOPLE!)

locations crown heights +Astoria.
job;
I need you to hold different dishes

in crown heights it is a Jamaican place

in Astoria it is eastern European.

pay is $40 cash

time elapsing will be 2 hours

it will be turned into a cartoon through computer imagery so your face will not become famous sorry!

you will pose with different authentic cuisine dishes in your hands.

no experience needed - just send description of what you look like to see if you fit the dish.best if you have a photo-but if not you will have to be able to come down to Steinway and have a free photo taken. this is on going we do this type of work all the time.you can earn as much as $200 per week if you do 5 shoots. you do not need to have an actors licenses .
we hire both males and females please submit you age an any concerns.
thank you.
we use Nikon digital camera and yes if you need some free pics that no problem  this is for a menu! 


----------------------


Matt is hungry: So I take it english is not your first language which is fine but it does seem odd that you want  anyone to be made into a cartoon holding dishes. I have acting experience myself and it feels very method to try to determine which dish is me and how me can be which dish. I'm either feeling a pinkabet or chopsuey but it's a tough call. So if I send my photo to you for your menu, you might take it and turn it into a cartoon for your menu and I might never even know because it won't look like me. I am not sure if I'm more disappointed with not being able to have my face become famous or the fact that my actor license is useless in this case. Oh well back to being a melting ice cream cone.

P.S. - Yes I would love to come get some free pics from you to help my career or to hang on my fridge to remember my time spent with you!

Servers Wanted (To refrain or to "!!!" is the question..)

We are hiring for banquet related positions in order to build the most elite banquet serving staff in Atlanta. Our typical banquet servers help with place-settings, serving, clearing, wine services, and butler passing.

Part-time, Full-time, and On-call positions available. Flexible scheduling makes this position perfect for those who have a full-time job or are a college student.

Locations include: Catering facilities, banquet halls, country clubs, corporate office buildings, four-star and five-star restaurants and hotels, sports arenas and many more!!!.

Requirements:

GOOD, POSITIVE ATTITUDE - WE WANT POSITIVE, ENTHUSIASTIC people!!!

PROFESSIONAL APPEARANCE - Sloppy, unkempt, tacky PLEASE REFRAIN from responding to this post!!!

SERVING EXPERIENCE - ALWAYS a PLUS, but willing to train the right person!!!

RELIABLE- NO flip-floppers ALLOWED!!!

RESPONSIBLE - Mature, professionals ONLY!!!

RESOURCEFUL – You will be going to new locations you might not have been to -HELLO, HOTLANTA IS BLOWING UP WITH COOL SPOTS!!!

------

Dear Hotlanta blowing up w/cool spots: Capital letters and multiple exclamation marks won't make this job more appealing to me...but what will make it work is the fact that I might be tacky and a flip-flopper (I find that's someone that goes back and forth on the issues....like a politician) which means I might be too mature for your job - also weird you mention some elite places near the top yet you make it sound like you are hitting clubs in the bottom? I heard there's a place called like The Devil's Sphincter down there - will catering jobs be there and no mention of whether or not you care about those that may have a substance abuse hobby or not? Well this ad reeks of professionalism with a CAPITAL SLOPPY!

iPhone tester-- just look at my site on your iphone & tell me what u c (i. c. u. p.?)

I'm creating a web site for a client and don't have access to an iphone to see how it works on that, so I need someone to be able to click on a link and look at the site on their iphone and tell me what happens/how the site looks. For each time I ask and you look at the site and respond, I will pay $2. It may take just a couple of looks until I get the site working, or it may take many. I just need you to be available to look and respond somewhat quickly (within an hour or so) for a period of time. I don't expect this whole project to last more than a week and definitely shouldn't keep you from doing any other jobs simultaneously.

--------------
Matt investigates: Sounds like fun - I wait around and free up my iphone to check an app for you and whenever I happen to check it for you and respond within about an hour - you pay me 2 bucks, 8 quarters, 20 dimes, 200 pennies... each time -- might be 1, might be 5 but it seems to me... you want access to a stranger's iphone -- ranging between $100-$600 retail plus an internet plan and itunes account & you came up with 2 bucks thinking what... someone is going to jump at the chance to make 2 bucks or even 20 bucks? Also I do all of that and the work is done - money will just show up somwhere, maybe paypal on you - a guy/gal i don't know saying so?
I just think it comes down to value - time, action and tools are involved here... seems like more of an annoyance for it to last throughout the week - 5 times a day for 7 days would come out to $70 which sounds better but not when it means being harassed 35 times in 1 week for it... most people make that in 1 day, a few hours, or less..
But APP ON (how bout a piece of the sales that the app does...now that sounds promising... cause hey, there's an app for that [dispensing two dollar bills out of your phone and into your hands])

Mounting TV (Professionals ONLY!)

hi there,

I'm looking to mount my 37 inch TV. The only problem is i have a concrete wall so this will require a stud finder. I do have a mount rack that i bought from Amazon...but long story short ...looking to do this during the holiday season. You are welcome to come by and take a look as well. I'm offering 30 bucks...because this is not the biggest job in the world. I just need to know you're a professional so you dont kill my wall. Reference or website needed.

Thanks!!

----------------

Matt speaks: Basically I'm already doing this for a living being a "professional wall mounter of objects" along with mounting many other things (and people) in many spots all over the place. I should take time out of my schedule to make my way to your home to mount your TV for an entire 30 bucks - now maybe I mount it nice & quick or possibly there are certain complications unforeseen that may or may not arise during said television mounting.
 I do not want to kill your wall or anything for that matter so that might add time. Also I have to make my way to you with or without tools as I have no idea but I guess I can ask in my response. So I take time emailing you, take time coming to your home, take time assessing and then mounting... and then I take my 30 bucks and get myself home. I hope I live within walking distance or else it might cost me 30 bucks round trip to do this little mounting for you. Maybe price is negotiable? Now if I have a website and a company which is what it seems you want plus references - why am I letting you dictate the price? So as exciting as it sounds to mount things (and a 37 inch TV sounds like a good time to be had especially when a pretty wall is involved) - I think it'd be best for me to just get myself over there to take a look first so I can strategize how to do this job, go home & map it out, then come back at another time to actually put my pro skills to work. Thanks!!

P.S. - Do you have any neighbors by chance?! Just a thought...maybe they have mounted their own TVs sans wall destruction?

$1500 Bonus on the table (Okay bonus on top of what..)

Give me a call and I get get you all of the info. This is for December only

------------

Matt infers: I need a job here and $1500 as a bonus for a job I know nothing about nor what the actual salary is sound so intriguing. A phone number was given too but why have people call you and waste your time asking you what the job is? Nothing that hints at what the position is (or what position one might have to physically be in to earn said money for just this cold cold month)... Not even a hint or a clue - come on man!

One independent pretty girl needed (don't worry..not for...escorting...)

You are nice to talk to and be with and looking for a easy safe fun reliable gig that is fun easy safe requires no experience and is legit and no sex at all involved.It can be something you can count on to help with your bills.If you are an open minded confident girl please send your picture name and number.

-----

Matt warns: If you have to say the gig is safe and has no sex involved but then add 'something you can count on to help with your bills' and open minded --- chances are if it's not escorting, you will be stared at/drooled on/ possibly touched or worse. Also if this girl is already independent, why does she need your job that requires no experience at all...tell me why?

Needed: Cleaning Lady (But not for any actual mess..)

This is a tidy home that needs a weekly cleaning person. We are a nice family looking for a nice cleaning person; daytime; on a consistent schedule every Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday.
We're looking for someone who will:
Thoroughly clean bathrooms.
Vacuum bedrooms.
Clean and shine hardwood floors.
Clean the surfaces that need cleaning.
In return, we'll always leave you a neat house that will only need your care and maintenance -- you won't come to our place and find a mess.
We pay $10.00 per hour.
If this sounds like you, please respond and let us know:
What your availability is.
Whether you can provide references. You don't have to actually give us references in your reply, but if we reply back to you, we will expect you to provide them at that time.
We look forward to hearing from you

----

Matt loves: So Let me get this straight, you want to hire someone to clean your house that you PROMISE
to leave neat... you need someone to thoroughly clean NEAT rooms?! I understand saying your house resembles
that of a hoarder might scare off people but no reason to call it neat. My dvd collection is neat as in neat-o (because it's not really that neat..). Also I know you don't want anyone to steal from you but who is looking to clean houses for $10 an hour and wanting to get you references from other people ...to have them take time out of their day to call another stranger to say "Hey, that person makes our house shine like the top of the Chrysler building AND guess what, has never stolen a thing, not even a red bull or 1 pair of panties!" Yeah good luck...and how NICE does one have to be...really?! I mean people working at Starbucks are making that or more money...they can be nice but they are in customer service... maybe some people need motivation to be mean on dirt and must trash talk in order to scrub those bathroom tiles squeaky clean, right?!